rumblings

i think i look terribly fucking dumb here !

anyway,
emo entry ahead.
and i guess it's kinda long too.


mother's intuition.
a few days back,
when i was feeling damn down and lonely.
when these eyes were teary.
when i was lost.
not knowing what to do.
it was about 2 or 3 am.
mum was asleep as usual.
but she woke up somehow.
msged me.
telling me she woke up out of the blue.
feeling uneasy.
she knows i was quarreling wif princess.
she asked me how were i feeling.
she felt my pain too i guess.
we're distance apart.
but she felt it.
it woke her up.
the tears flow down.
i love you mum.

may be,
without princess.
mum and i wouldn't have been as close as we are today.
and i want to thank you for that princess.

you know,
every single time we're not on good terms.
every single time i feel lonely.
every night when i wait for you...

i don't know why,
but my mind.
it's like a time machine.
it'll bring me back to those times.
to those memories of us.
those wonderful.
sweet memories of us together.
i don't remember all the bad events.
i can't remember them.
it'll travel me back.
it's as if i were there.
watching us.
feeling how i felt at that time.
i still get those fast heart beats when i think of that night.
when i first told you the 3 words.

sometimes...
all those things brings me pain.
we've been all these.
it was so beautiful.
but why must we still be like now ?
i feel so far apart.
it's as thou the distance between us is not far enough.
we were never like this before.
the way we communicate.
we were so much closer.

sometimes....
i'd just smile to myself.
it's like,
when i see those pictures on my walls.
i'd remember what happened at that time.
some words that we said at that time.
i'd smile....

and every single night.
when i lay back on the pillow.
when i stare at these 4 walls that stare back at me.
when i stare up at the ceiling.
my mind will bring me back to yet another trip.
from the time we got close...
to today.
it's all us.
a journey of our story.
i remember them all princess.


i remember...


the stars that i made for you.
thou i wished i'd had given them to you later.
but i promised to give them to you on that day.
don't feel quite nice.
the atmosphere wasn't there.
nevertheless,
i know you're happy.
the smile on you face told me so.
and i'm happy.

i remember..

you wore this shirt to your school farewell performance.
i can't believe myself then.
you and your friends will practise,
while i sat there at the changing room sewing your shirt.
i never regretted them.
but still,
i can't believe i did such a thing.

and then,
i remember...



the night of the candles.
you were speechless.
it was like in the movie ain't it ?
we had dinner by the candles.
i fed you.
and we were there.
dancing under the night sky.
with the moon and the stars above our heads.
wasn't it beautiful ?
it was the night i first told you the 3 words.
i remembered every sentence i said.
and the way you looked back at me.
speechless.

that was before we were even together.

i'd fetch you from school.
and we'll just drive around town.
chatting in the car.
just driving around.
i can't even remember when did i first began seeing you every single night.
going over your place every night.
calling you every night.
even skipping class just to see you.
have that few hours of chat.

then when we got together.

it was time for me to leave.
i promised i'd come back to you.
and i shed my blood for you.
you sucked those blood later.
i did go back for you didn't i princess ?


everything moved so fast yea ?





after 6 months apart,
we finally meet again.
it was my first visit to jakarta for you.
i got out late.
you, 2jie and 1jie fetched me.
then on the way out of the airport.
you all went dropped by kfc to get dinner.
remember ?
you and 1jie went down leaving me with 2jie in the car.

3 months later,
i went back to see you again for the second time.

we bowled.
we quarreled too.
i was upset you were busy with your school.
and i'm still sorry.
i still felt the guilt for being so sensitive.
and it was my first time leaving you alone.
let's wish i'd never do that again k.
i better not.

then it's one year already.
we had our dinner.


you looked so beautiful by the candles.



and we finally went to the beach together.





it's been a long journey.
and it's gonna be longer.
i hope you could hold on.
i promised you when we got together,
that everything will turn out just fine.
it did.
for the year.
i was surprised when my parents too are so supporting.
again,
everything will turn out just fine princess.
it will.

it's these memories that had kept me fighting.
those short journey my memories take me every night before i sleep.
these memories that shoot back to me whenever i need you.
it's you.
that i've been thinking of every single day.
every single night.
and i never want to lose them.

the past weeks were tough.
i know,
we were both hurt.
but it's time to move on too.
no matter how much i miss the way we used to be.
no matter how i hope,
that when you pick up the phone...
we'd sound back like we used to.
no matter how my heart tears listening to us sounding like today.
i know...
it'd take time.

i don't wanna lose these memories just like that princess.
no....
i want to create more memories for you and i.
i want our story to be a wonderful and beautiful one.
and i'm not ready to end them yet.
i want...
when we both are old,
together or not...
we could look back at them.
and smile at how amazing those times had been.

no matter what.
i still love you.
and i'm falling in love with you all over again time after time.
i need you in my life princess.
you changed me.
to the better.
i miss....
our those times.
being close.
and being together.