fuck it all

how many of you have ever felt that u've fucked life way too much that ending this pathetic life is the only way out ?

i'm not the sucidal type nor will i go and cut myself to death.i have that thought thou.the most i'll climb up some high building and just jump down.don't want a slow death.and i don't wanna die in singapore either.

the feeling is - empty -
have u ever felt that...u don't even know if u're sad or u're happy or u're confuse or whatever.i'm just fucking lost.it's as if nothing else matters.no not even her.i screwed up our relationship myself.i screwed up my studies.i screwed up my family life.i screwed up my own fucking life.and now i don't know if i should be sad over it or what.

i can't study that's it.

i'm just lost



i used to look at our pics.hold them as if i'm holding her.i'm that pathetic.i miss her that much.and it'll hurts like shit.as if there's a knife pokin my heart.that terrible.i'd throw myself to my bed.just throw myself to one corner.and flash back all the good sweet memories i've had with her.and think of nothing else.the pain will eventually tear me down.i was not this sissy.i don't cry for girls.i don't break down this often.i've never feel this painful.but why now....i do what i've told myself not to ever do for a girl ?
why now...the pain is so unbearable.
but today, i look at our pics.and i felt nothing.it's as if i've lost those sweet times.lost all those times, something i can never get back anymore.i've never felt that contended in life, never felt that happy in my life before those times.but now it's as if it's all gone.i can never look back at our times.it's blurred.and i can't cry anymore no matter how much i want to.
i talked to her last night.and i broke her heart.and i feel now...i've totally lost her.

i've lost the only reason why i'm still fighting on with this kinda life.

i hate my life now but she moves me on.i'm not the herbert 3 months ago.steppin back to singapore was a mistake.i should have never come back.i can't keep on living like this.how the fuck are u to live a life eatin shit everyday ? i mean, there's really no healthy food around.it's hawker, fast food or instant noodle.my health is failing me.

my studies fucked up.i'm not a person who sit by the table readin the moment i open my eyes.no no it's just not me and i can never be that person.i can't be that person who say "i'm studying" but nothing goes in the brain.who waste 90% of his time by the table but nothing enters his brain.nothing register in.and no matter how hard he keeps trying...nothing just wanna enter.it's not me.

my financial fucked up.can u believe in spent 1000 bux in 2 weeks time ? i can't myself.i spent way too much on her.it's not like i buy her things or what.but the fuckin stress i'm in now leads me to no option but to call her everyday.she's my only peace.it's only when i talk to her i can don't think bout my life for a moment.but sometimes, she can't notice.sometimes, she just can't be there.and....she can't even notice me breaking down as the day goes on.i don't mind the money.not at all.even if it means me to be facing super powderful naggin from my parents when i go back next month.

i'll be back on the 5th.
2, 3 and 4th will be free but don't think i can go out much too.i'm broke.

i'm gettin weaker mentally and physically day by day.

sometimes i hope all these are just my fuckin nightmare.a terrible nightmare and when i open my eyes up..........


i don't want to commit suicide.so can somebody kill me instead ? i'll write in my will that i willingly let u kill me ? please ?