..

this feels like o level pack into 3 damn days.with so much to memorise and practise at the same time.the accounts was fucked.i'd be luffing my balls off if i can even get a 'c'.man, there's like suppose to have 3 balance accounts.the balance shIt, and two trial 'buay' balance.and i only got 1 trail balance, balanced.i'm so screwed.my balance shIt fucked.the question where i'm suppose to score the most.jia lat.now i think it depends on my luck liao.but having scolded god "fuck you god and yes still fuck you" i don't think he'll give me any luck.and i don't fucking care.i just wanna go to jakarta and give her a big big big big hug now.i can't take it anymore ! i miss her !

tml pom, i'm quite confident bout the ideas i can write about.the thing is,brilliant idea but no pom theory = 0 .and i dun fuckin knw simi to study and simi to write about la.richard asked us to try and write out our answer, i never do la.it seems easy nia but fuck lor.everybody so worry also make me si buay worry.and i think i really should worry lor.coz i got c+ nia for the 30%.chee bye if i dun do well mia cai, den i can expect to come back liao on the 15th.chup chee bye, that'll never happen mun!

k off to the papers.
btw, i dun even possess the pom textbook.so i realli need lotsa lotsa luck.can u pray to ur god and ask him to give ur luck for me a bit ? dun so stingy lar.he abandon me already :( so i need ur god now
fiak it anyway.

god...can u hear me

why ?

i just don't understand


i'm really facing the sins from what i've done




today, god has sent me this gal, that somehow has rip my heart away.god make me do what i've never done before for any girl.god make me give everything i have for her.i give her my heart, fully.i'm worried when she's feelin down.i'm hurt for not being able to be there for her.i miss her presence so much i cry alone to sleep.i spent way too much than i can afford just to talk to her.she changed me.i'm not me anymore.i don't know me anymore.she's the retribution that i have to pay for what i have done.god sent her for me to destroy me.god...u know the way i think.then why...why
u make her do this to me at this time.why can't u just take me away so i can pay u in hell ?

study time

two more days mun

the aim :

1.finish pom by tonight

2.memorise poa theories and practise for the whole freakin day tml

the essentials

the mess

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just can't wait till i go home la

it's confirmed it'll be on the 5th

thou have to face the naggings from dad coz of my tattoo...just can't wait

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lots of problems

i'm lost as ever

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the problem of stayin near a mosque is

u got to listen to some unknown malay music and see the gals jumpin around also...the boys practising the dunno simi drum thingy..u know, the thing where they hold in the hand and hit hit hit hit hit hit

and of coz...the prayers which i often resist with my music.god damn it.

blog.

comment on the new skin please :)
thx

fuck it all

how many of you have ever felt that u've fucked life way too much that ending this pathetic life is the only way out ?

i'm not the sucidal type nor will i go and cut myself to death.i have that thought thou.the most i'll climb up some high building and just jump down.don't want a slow death.and i don't wanna die in singapore either.

the feeling is - empty -
have u ever felt that...u don't even know if u're sad or u're happy or u're confuse or whatever.i'm just fucking lost.it's as if nothing else matters.no not even her.i screwed up our relationship myself.i screwed up my studies.i screwed up my family life.i screwed up my own fucking life.and now i don't know if i should be sad over it or what.

i can't study that's it.

i'm just lost



i used to look at our pics.hold them as if i'm holding her.i'm that pathetic.i miss her that much.and it'll hurts like shit.as if there's a knife pokin my heart.that terrible.i'd throw myself to my bed.just throw myself to one corner.and flash back all the good sweet memories i've had with her.and think of nothing else.the pain will eventually tear me down.i was not this sissy.i don't cry for girls.i don't break down this often.i've never feel this painful.but why now....i do what i've told myself not to ever do for a girl ?
why now...the pain is so unbearable.
but today, i look at our pics.and i felt nothing.it's as if i've lost those sweet times.lost all those times, something i can never get back anymore.i've never felt that contended in life, never felt that happy in my life before those times.but now it's as if it's all gone.i can never look back at our times.it's blurred.and i can't cry anymore no matter how much i want to.
i talked to her last night.and i broke her heart.and i feel now...i've totally lost her.

i've lost the only reason why i'm still fighting on with this kinda life.

i hate my life now but she moves me on.i'm not the herbert 3 months ago.steppin back to singapore was a mistake.i should have never come back.i can't keep on living like this.how the fuck are u to live a life eatin shit everyday ? i mean, there's really no healthy food around.it's hawker, fast food or instant noodle.my health is failing me.

my studies fucked up.i'm not a person who sit by the table readin the moment i open my eyes.no no it's just not me and i can never be that person.i can't be that person who say "i'm studying" but nothing goes in the brain.who waste 90% of his time by the table but nothing enters his brain.nothing register in.and no matter how hard he keeps trying...nothing just wanna enter.it's not me.

my financial fucked up.can u believe in spent 1000 bux in 2 weeks time ? i can't myself.i spent way too much on her.it's not like i buy her things or what.but the fuckin stress i'm in now leads me to no option but to call her everyday.she's my only peace.it's only when i talk to her i can don't think bout my life for a moment.but sometimes, she can't notice.sometimes, she just can't be there.and....she can't even notice me breaking down as the day goes on.i don't mind the money.not at all.even if it means me to be facing super powderful naggin from my parents when i go back next month.

i'll be back on the 5th.
2, 3 and 4th will be free but don't think i can go out much too.i'm broke.

i'm gettin weaker mentally and physically day by day.

sometimes i hope all these are just my fuckin nightmare.a terrible nightmare and when i open my eyes up..........


i don't want to commit suicide.so can somebody kill me instead ? i'll write in my will that i willingly let u kill me ? please ?

ah...

ah....

i'm feelin so so so much better now
been survivin wif only 2 - 3 c per day.
it's a great improvement i think
next thing is to stop completely

thou the lungs still feels heavy and at times i have to take in deep breath
it just feels so much better being a non-smoker
smeel so much better too
yeah

----

k...i went to chinatown today
like after sometime never go there went there to check things out
cause i heard there are like quite a lot of travel agency there and i'm tryin to find some cheap ticket back home next month
walk around there for a while
den enter what i think is their only popular there....
wanted to buy a novel...finish all my books liao
and some pen
and guess what
na beh....the popular is not small
it's an entire storey of the building
i was findin the pens place and like dey only have brushes
- -"
wad...chinatown den everybody write with the chinese brush nia ah
ok ok
they do sell pens
but what they don't sell is
ENGLISH BOOKS!!
the fuckin entire popular sells only CHINESE BOOKS
like wtf !
chinatown nobody read english books one meh
it's ridiculous loh
what if the ang moh go there and wanna buy book ?
what if there are people like me who like only go out once in a while and come upon that popular and wanna buy an english book ?
na hia
juz bcoz it's chinatown
den wad
little india the popular only sells hindu books meh
all in tamil
- -"
pathetic sia

--

exams next week
study study study !!!!

and stop s before i go back medan

--

going back on the 4th
can't wait can't wait

- love u j !
so blardy much

i'm weak...

i survive today with only 3 c.

from 18 - 20 to just 3.

and i'm rather good, externally.smell better, just feel better.

but...internally

i feel my body dying.

like wtf, my lung hurts.ccb.it feel like there's somethin pokin my right lungs when i breathe in deeply.and i have to breathe in deeply becoz my right nose is blocked.and my left nose can't supply enough oxygen for my body.

carbon monoxide in my body is way too much already.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may be i've been coffeein way too much too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this kinda feelin is really killin me slowly...internally i feel like shit.my respiratory system is basically screwed.

may be because i haven't been eatin healthy food too.

may be i haven't been sleepin properly too.

weh...guess i'm really livin a deadly life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

slack...

ahh....
it's 2 months+

for the past year...thou i've entered like 5 girls' life or so...
all those relationships never actually last more than 3 months.
i never got to celebrate my 3rd month
there was no relationship that last more than 3 months.

it's already 2 and a half month :)
this will be the one after > forgot dunno how long, but i'm damn sure it's more than 1 year < that i'm in a relationship for more than 3 months
oh man...
how i love her >,<

things had been goin pretty well.
thank you gal for understandin me.way too much.
really appreciate all the things that u've done.
i know...i'd trust u eventually


since M broke my heart a long time ago, i found myself hard to trust another girl again.yes, till today.i keep on thinkin the long road.like, what if i trust her already den next year she come betray my trust ? those kinda thing
but....i'll eventually have to trust her.
i have to and i'm learnin to....

gal...how i need u

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

been slackin way too much.
thou i spent like lots of time at home...i'm actually sleeping
blardy hell
everytime open the book den sleepy
den i'll tell myself to like...sleep first den wake up later to study...but i never wakes up.
or else...i'd be by the lap top watchin south park
lol
my only form of entertainment currently.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's official once again.for the 5th time.
i'm stoppin....u shld knw :)
so far so good.
started today
been nicotine free since after school
i suddenly have the urge to
like...i seriously need to
i feel my health is deteoritatin seriously
my chest hurts....it feels heavy
and i'm feelin so much better wifout c.

i have to succeed !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

final exams in 9 days' time.
after that.....holiday !
i'm goin bck home medan.
should be on the 4th
5th sunday...dun want dad to come and fetch me...or i'm sure dead on the spot.
dad suspects me of havin tattoo and yes i do have...too many indeed.
if he comes fetch me...den he'll surely check my body right in the car !
den....it'd be a lecture right from the beginnin of my holiday...
well, if my mum fetches me
for the current condition....ermm...she kinda knows liao but..doesn't sound that angry
dad was furious !
so...i'd prefer mum to fetch me and face dad that night when he reaches home.
wish me luck on this one man
i seriously need them

fuck it

i feel so fucked up with life.

presentation days are over
i prepared...i did..
but everytime i step on the stage, i'll just forget whatever i had fuckin prepared.
and now i don't even remember if i did greet the class just now.
screwed.

my msn fucked me up
can't log in for days....
internet explorer screw me up.
i can't log in to my sch's student portal
i don't know what the fuck is wrong.
trojan can't be that strong wad...
i've checked all my settings...............
someone help me please.





i feel so far far away from her.
it's empty now
i feel nothing
i don't even know what the fuck am i feelin when i look back at our memories.
it used to be pain
after these 3 days
it seems like everything changed
i'm just headin aimlessly
my heart is hollow
i don't fuckin know if i'm sad or what


fuck it all
i'm better off dead.

life life life.....

tuo diao tuo diao tuo diao....
long cong tuo diao ~

i walked in the humid hall with aman beside me.in my yellow, loose billabong shirt and my green with bermuda also the beenie, i walked towards the stage.
students were practising their dance...i began my search for tara.
she was suppose to pass me j's shirt for me to decorate.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
memories......

these things keep comin back to me..
it's as if i'm blinded from the reality and see me...at that time..that moment...


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss dancing....


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


had a great night with my school mates.
went to watch "the maid"
it's suppose to be a horror movie..but not that scary..really
it only shock u with the sound.
and the thing that made it a good show was that...it "scares" u continuously..
a continuous torture for the heart.

the scariest part was this...

see, i always wear m the kuan im thing wherever i go.and i always put it underneath my shirt.
i don't wear it outside my shirt.



okay..so i settled down inside...sat comfortable...
and the show began, half way thru the show....i unknowingly placed my hand on my chest...
to my surprise...the kuan im is outside my shirt !
i don't remember takin it out
i never take it out
i don't know what does it means but it's definetly scary...

i need u

i'm feelin like fuck.
woke up from my nap with a nightmare.
now i feel extremely like shit.

this entry is bout her.
if u dun feel like readin somethin mushy mushy den fuck off.







i need her.
badly.
yesterday, after 3 hours of sleep.i pulled my heavy head to sch.accounts.
got back and felt the sudden urge to study.so i basically spent the whole afternoon practising accounts.slack here and there a lil bit.
time flies.
i kept my msn online, that's the only way i communicate with her recently.she have no balance in her phone.i'm so broke i can't even fuckin call her,and i don't fuckin expect her to call me ever.
it's expensive.
so the whole afternoon was
- studyin and waitin
for her nick to pop out from that little corner of my screen.
she didn't turn up.
if she's not around in the afternoon, then she'll usually be around at night.
so i spent the whole night waiting
while readin management a lil bit here and there.
and when she's not even around by 2.nothing enters my brain anymore.
i msged her.tellin her if she can't come, then nevermind.i'll just wait for another half and hour and go for my sleep.
i waited for another hour.
she couldn't come.
msg her again.
and then the feelin comes.a feelin that i forgot for a couple of days already.
all our memories just flash back in my head, unknowningly to me..i reached out my hand as if to hug her......the empty air shoot my heart.
the tears flow.
i tried to distract myself with the thought of school.studies and all.it was simply impossible.
i ended up kneelin in prayer - cryin.talkin to myself.
i don't pray when i'm in singapore.
in tears, yesterday was the very first time i talk to god.beggin him.to just make her life easier.tellin him i don't fucken mind be in this pain every single day for the next 3 years but just make her happy.i don't want her to feel like i do.
exhausted, i put myself in the sleepin position.and it should be by 4 that i unknowningly fell asleep.
tired eyes.
meanwhile, i kept my msn open.and got up with hope whenever the sound of someone signed in to just see her online.i don't fuckin mind what time it was.i must have got too tired with the tears when i slept.
again, i woke up at 8.30 this morning, hopin that she did came online when i was asleep and msg me to just tell me she's alrite.she didn't.











i woke up from this nap.....from a nightmare.
it's a dream, thus, unusual.if u can read dreams, please let me know what it means.
the dream was something like this.
my cousins and i were back home in medan.in one of my cousins' house.
the feelin was undescriable.i wasn't happy to be home.i wasn't excited.i wasn't sad.just no feelin.and as usual too, in the dream.i put my phone on the table whenever i reach his house.a while later, i see water gushin in from afar.tsunami u can say.the first attack was nothin, everyone thought they're just flood water.but then when the second wave came in...i rushed up alertin everyone that it'll be better to be high above.i forgot my phone....
and the 3rd wave comes.attackin the entire first floor.amazingly, i was also able to see what actually happened in the first floor when the water comes.
when they go...leavin a knee high flood.i was suddenly alarmed.
"fuck, my phone !"
i run down...
everybody came along.we were in search for each of our own phone.as screwed as the dream already is, my cousins got all of their phones back functioning except me.
suddenly........
"how am i to tell her that i'm alright ?"
"she would definetly have heard of this ""water-attack"", i don't want her to worry"
i went in and out of the fuckin dirty water....


and i woke up

busy month ahead !

the end of holiday liao.
damn fucken fast.

schedule for this month.

- this saturday, principles of management project to be handed in.haven't do no shit.haven't start research.haven't even touch the question since i read them the first time.
- next monday, principles of accounting test 1. chapter 1 - 5 and fuck, i've just face my first unbalanced trial balance and for some fuckin reason.i find no mistake in my ledger.but there sure is, somehow somewhere.na beh.the feelin sux.
- next friday, business communication individual project to be presented in front of the class.i'm only 25% tru it.i'm dead.
- the 19th, 2 weeks ahead, the friday too.business communication group project to be handed in.we have 3 points to research into and we only finished the unsatisfactory 1st point.
- somewhere this month, expecting principles of management's test 1 and the dunno when principles of accounting test 2.
- end of august, 31.augt itself, principles of accounting final exam.
- early september, final exams for bcom and pom.

it's so fuckin fast.
too blardy fast indeed.
na beh, start school barely two months final exams liao
and i only knew all this TODAY !!
i almost dropped dead in class, on the spot.
heart attack.
nvm...can catch up one.will do well.will do well.






15 oct this year,8pm.the legendary canto / manda rock group BEYOND will be holdin their last farewell concert here !

singapore indoor stadium.
anyone interested of going with me ?
i'm 75% sure i wanna go, even alone.
and i'm fuckin takin the $150 bux ticket man.