fuckit

fuck it.

alone

why do i feel this.
why do treat you this way now.
i used to be different.
you are my queen.
and i'd do whatever you want me to do.
i'd agree on whatever you want to do too.
but now.
it feels like i'm in a relationship.
with a shadow.
i keep myself free.
i don't go out.
it's all for you.
i sit by this chair from the moment i wake up.
till i sleep.
and no matter how my leg aches from sitting.
i'd still be here.
i'm just hoping.
really just hoping.
that u'd come.
u'd finally tell me u're free.
i know,
u keep urself busy so that u won't miss me so badly.
so that you won't be rottin at home.
but girl,
i never have you.
when u're busy.
there's even no single news from you.
i can imagine.
if u'd be busy the whole freaking day.
it'll just means.
i won't have you the freaking day.
you don't even ask me have i eaten.
what am i doing.
and now.
you're not even free on your sundays.
i can only have you at night.
those moments before you sleep.
just listening to your sleepy voice.
and when i need you so badly.
u'd be tired from your day.
and head for your bed.
and i'll be all alone again.
do you even think of me when you're busy doing your things.
am i in your heart when you're too engross doing your thing.
i don't feel so.
you're haunting me.
it's been 4 monhts.
close to 5.
that we don't see each other.
you said you miss me.
you always say you need me badly.
you say you can't sleep thinking of me.
you make me feel.
you only do feel this way when you're free.
when there's no one around you.
i got home immediately after school every single day.
i left, 15 mins before school starts.
i waited.
till mornings.
i am here.
waiting...
always will be.
eventhough, i know.
no matter what i do.
u'd can be here for me.
no matter how much tears i shed.
u'd be free for me.
i am still here...
hoping.
for that moment to come.
when i can have you.
just for that single moment.
just for that single second.
when you're totally mine.
and nothing bothers us.
this tears will keep flowing.
this pain will be always around.
for as long as i miss you.
for as long as...i hope
and wait
for your presence.
for you
to come to my world.
and save me from this loneliness.

secondary school

firstly,

-----------------------------------------------------

it was my very first day of school.
i sat there.
zheng fa, who sat behind me.
asked my name and where i came from.
cau heng came too.
soon, the whole class knew i'm from indonesia.
*cau heng went to rudy*
"eh, he from indonesia too lei, go talk to him la"
with a basketball on his hand.
rudy then came to me.
asked me in bahasa indonesia.
where do i come from.
"medan, you ?"
"jakarta"
and he left back to where he sat.
new to assembly.
and when the rest of the school were saying their pledge.
with right hand up on their chest.
i stood there.
culture shocked.
and syed looked at me.
and asked me to put up my hand too.
not knowingly, i put them up too.
it was days later that then rudy told me that foreigners need not do the pledge.
and mari kita is the song i listen to during those mornings.
the saggy yap yuppy yap was still the principal back then.
new to the school.
i spoke little words.
and 10 months later.
i still was new to the school.
i mix only with the indonesians.
and patrick, and eugene.
cau heng and zheng fa.
31.10.2000.
before assemby.
on the way, through that little lane to the basketball court.
hui fen came to me and pass me a birthday card.
" roses are red
violets are blue
*forgotten*
what about a kiss instead ?"
and after assembly.
"eh, u see already ?"
"huh ?"
"joking only k"
"huh ?"

i was in secondary two.
2c.
this is where my life truly begin in singapore.
and soon.
i mix only with the singaporeans.
i remember.
once, i went to the toilet.
long hair.
did my small business and comb my hair.
on my way back.
chuanzhi, with mr.poh in his class.
shouted.
"bert, u go shit is it ?"
"no la.."
and the rest of 2a laughed.
i joined interact club then.
where adam, rahmat, chuanzhi and the rest entered my life.
it was an eye opening year.
a group of the boys joined canoeing.

i was there too.

life began to be more colourful.

we began to be really friends.

even with mr.poh.

then, there was the taman negara.

the train.

family restaurant.

adam's incident.

i was still inactive back then.

quiet.

and sulin, i didn't get to sleep.

i was even afraid to move !

and the wild boar.

kamsani and limp bizkit.

boon siong and his "come" and fell in the end.

the fucking

"bert, u know what's cum ?"

"simi come ? come come lah"

i lost my spec in this river.
and su found it back.
it was that muddy road.
i see su and i racing back to the camp.
lots fell.
and that guy, forgot his name.
that made funny noises in the camp with kelvin.
the beautiful stars.
rahmat's "campfire"
and many more.

there was also the sec 2 camp.

adam.

afraid of height.

that was me.

damn it poh.

u should have took it when i looked down at you.

and....

during the campfire.

and when we were all sec 3.

and i joined 3 harmony.

we basically parkway everyday after school.

it was that.

or soccer.

and interact club become so much relaxed.

and fucked up.

we had a bbq one day.

it was the most crazy years.

those parkway times.

and the almost everyday / every weekend pool.

and this.

adam and rahmat's fight.

and how the rest of the group started to neglect adam.

those were really the days.

-----------

k...i'm gettin sleepy.

so here are just the pics :)

-----------

sec 4.

the class was painted.

national day.

where the class first got together and united.

and my first tattoo came.

soon.

the second one followed.

wilfred started smoking too.

and hui fen started stealing our lighters.

those library days.

gelare.

and all of these.

are....memories.

those incredible years.

"i know i can, be what i wanna be"

"if i work hard at it, i'd be where i wanna be"

"i know i can, be what i wanan be"

"if i work hard at it, i'd be where i wanna be"

* sudden silence *

we are now on our own different road.

do you still remember ?

i miss her

it's been 4 months.
it seems 4 years to me.

i need you.
i miss you.

there was once.
during one of those days.
where i come over to your place every night.
where i sat there.



and you.
afraid.
that your family members will peek at us.
but that night.
before i left.
you gave me a kiss.
the only kiss.
before i leave your house.

moments before my departure.
that day.
i was there.
for the whole day.
your family left.
for pantai cermin.
remember ?
and they went back.
with prawns.
2 of them died.
a few survived.
that day.
we had your grandma's leftover for lunch.
then you cooked me indomie.
shoo me off from the kitchen when i wanted to help.
washed our hands together.
then we shared that indomie from that same bowl.



that day.
you curled up by the sofa.
and took a little nap by me.
then.
you asked me to pray.
both kuam im and thi kong.
and you forced me not to look into your room.
that day.
i was the happiest man on earth.

simple and plain you are.
i never thought someone like you will even eat foods by the road.



you are just too good to be true.

and when i gave you the stars.









you gave me a hug.
and you just smiled for the rest of the day.

remember girl.
those road trips we made.
u'll ask me to come over to watch you dance.
and we'll then just drive aimlessly.
chatting.
just being together.
you and i.

the world was just made of you and me.

girl.
remember the day you came over to help me clean my room ?



you are the first girl.
that has ever help me clean my room.

remember that night.
my small small party.



where you woked up.
so afraid.
and that was the first time i shouted at you.
but that night.
remember your cooking ?
and how you cling on me after that.
how i smiled with tears.
and you said i was faking my tears.
i was happy.
and sad.
you are the first girl that gave me that feeling.

that day.
you were so afraid.
that you forced me to tell mum the truth of what we did.
the day i present you my candles.





and our first kiss.
our first hug.
by the stars.

"kum se ma gi ga
he ji be i so
apa gum
uma gum
egi gum
apa gumu tung tung e
uma gumu nei si de
egi gumu na mu gi a wo
utsu utsu taranta"
you even made me sing this in tears.

but i know i've changed since i'm here.
it just seems like nothing you do can ever please me.
in the midst of this all.
i lost myself.
i forgot who am i.
but you hang on.
so tight.
and each time i blame you.
each time i get angry.
jealous.
it all just seems over small matters.
i'm unreasonable.
but you.
you still hang on to me.

may be.
just by being beside you.
i can understand.
i can find myself back.

and i'll alwyas remember.
all those days.
so tender.
those 2 weeks.
were the happiest days of my life.

jilly themin.
i used to be heartless.
i've played girls.
i've tried to love.
but.
you are the only one that i can truly love.
and no amount of love other girls give, can ever replace the love i need from you.
i love you.



i miss you badly.
and i know.
our story.
is for eternity.

pat's bdae

alright...
this is something i've created during one of those boring times.
another micheal jackson.
a scarier version.
:)
fun ahead though.



it's pat's bdae.
went down to parkway to meet them.
pat, chuanzhi, adam and nigel.
dey were all late.
chuanzhi arrived first, then accompany me for my dinner.
went for pool while waiting for the rest.
nigel reached next.
then adam.
and we went down to meet pat at mc cafe.




walked to tru the beach.
damn long never go there liao.



went zola.
shu phei came.
and...



we waited.
and waited.
impatiently.
adam tries to on the thing.



we can't begin.
remote control not responding.
it was the bugger at the counter that never on the computer for our room.



us.



chuanzhi singing.



chuanzhi again.
u look good here >.<
especially after i re-touch the pic.
hahaha.





pat....
and nigel



gays.



us.




never felt so free for such a long time.





i'm sorry dear.
truly.

kopitiam

i am a chinese indonesian.
i was borned in medan.
brought up with love.
till i left.
it's still vivid.
very clear.
as though yesterday.
i was in p3.
that day, i graduated p3.
with lousy marks.
ranked 3rd from the back.
but mum,
she still fulfills her promise.
i went with my cousin.
to look for my favourite toy.
it was power rangers back then.
i owned all the 4s.
red, yellow, pink and blue.
including their robots.
then, there was white rangers.
cost couple than the rest of the rangers.
but mum.
she still bought it for me.
though i scored lousily.
though i almost retained.
it was the same every year.
mum will always get me something.

i remember.
during those times of my asthma attacks at night.
mum will rise.
and accompany me to sleep again.
she'll fixed my oxigen tank.
and stuff those tube in my nose.
and massaged my feet.
till i fall back to sleep.
be it 1 a.m. 2a.m. or 5.
she's always there.
though i never had a good night kiss.
though i don't have a mum that read stories for me.
those sacrifice is enough.

i remember.
how seldom i see dad.
how busy he was.
how i hated him for not paying attention to me.
how he scolded me.

i remember.
how mum used to cane me.
and grandpa will always hide her canes.
and protect me.

i remember.
i remember u grandpa.
i remember ur last promise to me.
i remember how bad i was.
i remember how i treated u in ur last hours.
i remember those sunday morning.
where you'll walk me for breakfast.
and u'll chat with ur friends at that kopitiam.
i'd order teh peng.
and u'll stir them for me.

i remember.
how the world was just me, mum and grandpa.
i remember.
those loving moments.

and when the 1998 riots came.
i remember how afraid i was.
how i was trembling.
and how dad,
sacrificed his life.
working in medan.
sending me, mum, sis and bro to singapore.
i remember that one month clearly.
how we enjoyed ourselves.
not knowing the risk your're taking.

and when you finally decided to send me to penang.
mum came along.
i was in my p5.
i was with sis and mum.
i remember.
how mum always wakes up in the morning.
to cook breakfast for us.
and how she always tries to give us a variety of choice.
and when we left for school.
she'll leave for work.
and during my last year there.
i remember.
bro joined us.
and i remember my first crush.
and how mum supported me.
i remember.
how mum carefully wrapped my gift for her birthday.
i remember.
mum letting me out alone for the very first time.
and i remember.
that was the last time i met her.
i remember.
the soccer times.
how free i was.
and those nights where we'll walk together.
for steamboat.
and when another family joined us.
i remember.
how u teach us to compromise with them.
how to think of other people's feelings and not just yours.
and when i was chosen as the gk for my school.
i remember.
u dragging a chair.
across the field.
during halftime.
to watch me play.
i remember.
how joyful i was.
when u first allow me to play soccer.

but after i graduate.
i remember.
dad asked me.
would you want to study in singapore ?
alone ?
i should have chosen no.
but 5 years had passed.

and now.
they are all gone.
together with me.
leaving them for singapore.

i remember.
how i shed my tears the very first night i was here.
how i tried to hold back my tears.
when u came.
and how i can't hold them.
when u leave.

and since then.
i grow up alone.

since then.
there is no more love.
i turned to girls.
but no amount of love they give can ever replace the love i need from you.


i believe everyone has their own story.
this is my story.
a story full of regrets.
mistakes.
and the only one thing worth me remembering them.
my history of love.
my parent's love.




--------------------------------


i was at the hawker the other time with chizhao and dave.

picture speaks a thousand words.





went to indonesia embassy today.
on the way....



upon reaching.



apparently, i saw only one small samll side of it.



the indonesian's embassy is not that disappointing after all.

the mike post.

that's melvin.
my aunt's son.
cute ain't he ?

well, things has been better.
mum and i start talkin a little.
she stayed pass 12 just to wish me happy birthday.
okay, the chinese birthday la.
don't know what's with us chinese hor.
got 2 birthdays one : /

anyway, j said she'll try to come this jan.
:D
that piece of sentence has been bringing the smile around my face for a while.
i'm just so happy la.
the thought of it.
i need her so so much.


my companion by the table.



okay, apparently i bought micheal jackson's concert dvd.



herm, the review ?
great.
he's a freak i know.
but i bought it just to watch him DANCE !
and......

pay attention to this yea.



he has different faces.

okay, before i continue.
let me clarify this.
i have NOTHING agaisnt micheal jackson.
he's a great entertainer.
but being the world's no. 1 freakiest person.
i just can't help myself but to do this.
again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST HIM.
i like his songs.
i like his moves.
and i'll still buy his cds if he still do produce.
i'm not that heavy fan though.

ok, here it is.
the moves that i've been waiting since the start of his show.



just powderful la.

but......

back to my question in the pics above.
what do you think he looked like in that pic ?
he's what i think he looked like.
well, after a lil touch of photoshop.



again, no offence.
i just can't help myself la.




thanks a lot d.
seventeen arrived about 20 mins ago.



yep, dion's guitar, seventeen.



anyway, you'll always be my greatest superstar.
i'm your greatest fan.
my dear,
i miss ya.





- enough said.
no offence to mike's fan.