Wednesday, November 29, 2006

a sleepless night.

went to work as usual this morning.
with athiam coming up to my room to wake me up.
i've had this dream when i just started working where,
princess will be the one waking me up for work.
walkin in my room...
lying by me and kisses me to greet the morning.
it never happened.
i've had planned since months ago.
that i'll buy up those small hanging light bulbs they use for the christmas tree and decorate up my room saying
"happy birthday princess, love you always"
up on the ceiling of my room.
i've wanted to see her smile after that.
her, speechless again for the madness i've gone into this love.
i've remembered,
that during our one year anniversary.
i've wanted placed the tables and chairs up on the garden.
brought lots of candles that left me broke.
and when she's over at my place and it rained....
i asked her to go down to wait for our dinner.
immediately i cleared out my room.
carrying this heavy ass bed out of the room by myself and set up the table and chairs in my room.
lighting the candles along her walk path.
i so want to see that smile once again.
i miss making you speechless princess.
since our candle night.
the night i spread the love shaped candles on the floor.
the very night of our first kiss.
i've brought back our puzzle that was left unfinished the other time.
why did you end this story so fast ?
i thought we were suppose to have a happy ending.
we've been on a rough boat.
we fell down waterfalls after waterfalls.
but we survived.
but why for that simple miscommunication and misunderstanding you leave me here alone....
why did you prefer to dig this heart out.
i know i've been a failure throughout this relationship.
a year is too long for a change i know.
but can't you see now ?
i've changed to who you want.
i've realised every single mistakes i made for the past year.
i've woken up.
you decided to leave me when i've changed.
why ?
when you still love me.
why ?
when you're still jealous if i befriend a girl.

our break up have leave me heartless once again.
literally heartless.
you dig up right into me.
snatched it out.
and never returned them to me.
open up every single stars that i folded.
i still meant everything i wrote in there.
open you small book those you always ask me write.
my blood in there still means what i feel to you today.

but i know its i'm possible.
when you rejected me twice for our patch.
when my family begins to change their views on you.
no, mom doesn't thinks that there's a third party between us.
they just feel that you're not understanding enough.
and after all the support, morally and financially to us.
and you still can't feel blessed.
that's what changed their views.
to them,
if you truely loves me.
if you truely were able to appreciate our relationship.
you'd have been able to understand that our distance is only a temporary thing.
i've told you countless of times.
yes, there'll be a day where we'll be united and be able to live under the same roof.
you never give me the chance to prove it to you.

and when it's all over.
i'd like to say.
this scar you leave will be brought to my death bed.
you and i had shared the most amazing thing ever.
you're the first that my parents approved and supported.
you're the first girl that were able to change me completely.
you're the first taht made me fall so deep into the love pool.
and when i come out crawling back out.
i'll always remember how you always kept me drown inside that pool.

you've change everything once again.
you've change so much that it's impossible for us to be together again.
and i can't understand why...
i can't understand why you want the break up.

i'll just have to move on.
may be,
this is the retribution i'm facing.
this is what i deserve.
and finally...
i've felt the first pain in my heart.
and finally,
i've made my eye crystalised.
not a tear dropped.

i want my feelings back princess.
i want my heart back.
i want to feel to be in love again.
i know how devastated you'll be after reading this.
and if you feel staying out of contact now after asking me to remain contact with you is the better way out.
i'll always miss you.
this heart will always be empty without you.
no matter how selfish you want to be again.
please don't disapprear again.
when i told you that i can't live without you...i meant it.
the past year meant simply too much to me.
and if the next girlfriend can't understand us.
fair or not.
she doesn't deserve to be by my side.
rest assured princess.
the next girl will have to understand me completely before being able to replace you.

and this is my side of the story.....

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