a sleepless night.

went to work as usual this morning.
with athiam coming up to my room to wake me up.
i've had this dream when i just started working where,
princess will be the one waking me up for work.
walkin in my room...
lying by me and kisses me to greet the morning.
it never happened.
i've had planned since months ago.
that i'll buy up those small hanging light bulbs they use for the christmas tree and decorate up my room saying
"happy birthday princess, love you always"
up on the ceiling of my room.
i've wanted to see her smile after that.
her, speechless again for the madness i've gone into this love.
i've remembered,
that during our one year anniversary.
i've wanted placed the tables and chairs up on the garden.
brought lots of candles that left me broke.
and when she's over at my place and it rained....
i asked her to go down to wait for our dinner.
immediately i cleared out my room.
carrying this heavy ass bed out of the room by myself and set up the table and chairs in my room.
lighting the candles along her walk path.
i so want to see that smile once again.
i miss making you speechless princess.
since our candle night.
the night i spread the love shaped candles on the floor.
the very night of our first kiss.
i've brought back our puzzle that was left unfinished the other time.
why did you end this story so fast ?
i thought we were suppose to have a happy ending.
we've been on a rough boat.
we fell down waterfalls after waterfalls.
but we survived.
but why for that simple miscommunication and misunderstanding you leave me here alone....
why did you prefer to dig this heart out.
i know i've been a failure throughout this relationship.
a year is too long for a change i know.
but can't you see now ?
i've changed to who you want.
i've realised every single mistakes i made for the past year.
i've woken up.
you decided to leave me when i've changed.
why ?
when you still love me.
why ?
when you're still jealous if i befriend a girl.

our break up have leave me heartless once again.
literally heartless.
you dig up right into me.
snatched it out.
and never returned them to me.
princess,
open up every single stars that i folded.
i still meant everything i wrote in there.
open you small book those you always ask me write.
my blood in there still means what i feel to you today.

but i know its i'm possible.
when you rejected me twice for our patch.
when my family begins to change their views on you.
no, mom doesn't thinks that there's a third party between us.
they just feel that you're not understanding enough.
and after all the support, morally and financially to us.
and you still can't feel blessed.
that's what changed their views.
to them,
if you truely loves me.
if you truely were able to appreciate our relationship.
you'd have been able to understand that our distance is only a temporary thing.
i've told you countless of times.
yes, there'll be a day where we'll be united and be able to live under the same roof.
you never give me the chance to prove it to you.

and when it's all over.
princess,
i'd like to say.
this scar you leave will be brought to my death bed.
you and i had shared the most amazing thing ever.
you're the first that my parents approved and supported.
you're the first girl that were able to change me completely.
you're the first taht made me fall so deep into the love pool.
and when i come out crawling back out.
i'll always remember how you always kept me drown inside that pool.

you've change everything once again.
you've change so much that it's impossible for us to be together again.
and i can't understand why...
i can't understand why you want the break up.



i'll just have to move on.
may be,
this is the retribution i'm facing.
indeed,
this is what i deserve.
and finally...
i've felt the first pain in my heart.
and finally,
i've made my eye crystalised.
still,
not a tear dropped.


i want my feelings back princess.
i want my heart back.
i want to feel to be in love again.
i know how devastated you'll be after reading this.
and if you feel staying out of contact now after asking me to remain contact with you is the better way out.
remember,
i'll always miss you.
this heart will always be empty without you.
no matter how selfish you want to be again.
please don't disapprear again.
when i told you that i can't live without you...i meant it.
the past year meant simply too much to me.
and if the next girlfriend can't understand us.
fair or not.
she doesn't deserve to be by my side.
rest assured princess.
the next girl will have to understand me completely before being able to replace you.



and this is my side of the story.....

photograhies from work.

this goes to you :)
i've read and understand the content from your blog.
if i do misread and embarrass myself in this entry, please do ingore it then.
hehe.
anyway,
this is what i've got to say about it.

it definitely shocked me reading that.
nevertheless, it will change nothing from our friendship.
fear not about it.
devastated that i am about the break up, i've realised and begin to face reality about the whereabout of my relationship with my ex.
and i know that now,
there's nothing that can patch us back together.
the hole she dug was way too deep.
she had made a temporary hole in there.
thou, like you said to me.
time will heal everything.
yes, time will heal this pain but it'll never heal this hole she made.
now, she and i is an impossible thing.
as much as she's still in my heart...i can't see us being together again.
never again.
i've realise that finally my story with her is over.
again,
what you wrote will never change our friendship.
i see you as a sister more than a friend or even a special friend.
knowing that opened me a lil bit.
and now, i can assure you that i'll be here if you ever need a listening ear or anything at all, sis.


well, i've make myself busy with work and work.
and my cousins are definitely helping me a lot recovering from this pain.
was introduced to a few new friends, girls.
but...
this heart is unmoved.
it's nice for myself to know that i can't bring myself to be what i used to be.
like finding a gal and take her as a replacement from princess.
yes, she's the one and only princess for me.
there'll be no more princess in my heart ever.
there'll only be another queen in my heart and she'll be my wife :P
i can say that i'm doing fine.
and i still wish to cry.
i want to cry this heart out.
but the pain in the heart has yet to come.
i miss our times together.
and i miss you jilly.
i'd had hope that we'd had ended this relationship face to face.
but i can't turn back time.


lots of photographies from here on :)

an air pollution.

the cause of traffic jam.

something of an importance at work.

the flag agaisnt the sun set.

shimmeringly yellow.

throught the tree.

the paddy field.

the paddy field 2.

highway sunset.

what kept our minds sane part 1.

what kept our minds sane part 2.

the dog, brandon.

with love.

what's up from brandon.

=P part 1.

=P part 2.

disgustingly cute.

mr.grasshopper.

bee.

under the rock.

butterflies :)

arms wide open.

hungry hungry butterfly.

resting part 1.

resting part 2.

resting part 3.

i'll be flying over to singapore somewhere next week.
period of stay,
most probably only for a week.
just to settle my student pass thing.
catch with ya guys soon.

it is true...

yeah...we broke up.
and i think there's no way we could ever patch back.
this hole is simply too deep.
nothing will ever be the same ever again.
there's no place for her to be my friend now in my heart.
she's more than a friend to me.
and i can't simply forget what happened for the past 17 months and start anew as a friend wif her.

not to worry.
i do take care of myself now.
i guess i'm tryin to get over wif this with work.
i can't say i'm in terrible pain coz i can't feel a thing.
i can't even cry.
it's like when she left...she ripped out my whole heart out.
and now there's nothing in there.
i feel empty.
the very mention of her name give me severe headache.
i feel a sudden rush of millions of thoughts runnin tru my head.
i wish i could just drop dead sometimes.
i want to cry this heart out.
i really want to.
but somehow i just can't.
and this feeling is worst than anything i've ever felt before.

i still do love her.
and i always will.
she was part of my life before.
a great part indeed.
the memories we shared will never be forgotten ever.
as much as i'd like to move on...
this will always be true.
she'll always be in my heart no matter wad.
even if i find a new love...
jilly themin will always have a place in my heart.


a few pics from my sis' bdae party the other day.

and a shot that shoudn't have been taken





and i thank the people that have been there and is still being there for me whever i need you.

i wish i could cry..........

a break up

i've broken up wif her.
just only.
she never will understand how much this heart loves her.
never will.
all she cares are her works.
i come after that.
no point.
been too many times like this.
been 17 months.
she can't understand me still.
guess nobody ever could.

penang trip part 1

I'M BACK !
wif tonnes of pictures.
this entry will be filled wif 21 pictures.
there'll be another half coming right up.

so...how's the trip ?
fucking tiring but...i learned something new.

i was forced to sleep early and wake up early truout the trip there.
and i felt great.
really.
after so long of sleeping at fuktub times....
it was really great.

monday 6th november.
it was a great day to take off.
the skies were cloudy.
beautiful.

it shocked me to see that plane lying there.
i don't know if its a crashed plane or wad.
i'm sure to be scared as hell the next time i take jatayu.

like i said....the skies were amazingly wonderful that day.

i left wif dad and dad's bro in law.
my uncle.
i just kept looking out tru the window.
the skies seriously amazed me.

how i wished i sat somewhere near the front plane.
then the fuktub wings won't be there tru the shots.

upon reaching...
it just got more chiooo.
something scared the shiat out of me thou...

this.

wtf ?
see...i've taken lots of planes.
different planes.
but never haf i seen something like this.
the whole thing came off as if its gonna tear apart.
i was scared man !

i basically snapped my way tru.
since the plane move...till it stops.
and i just noticed this when we landed.

that boy must be like.
"huh...wad's this guy doing ?"

we then head to sunway hotel...put our laguages and head straight to island hospital.

*fast forward*

somehow we reached this temple.
famous for the lifting buddha.
they say that there's this small buddha statue.
you're suppose to say your prayers and wishes.
if you can lift it up.
your wishes will be fulfilled.
if not....then too bad lor.
anyway...the gal before me...somehow like cannot lift it.
i left the room.
when i came back.
i heard this woman talking to her.
"really cannot lift ar ?"
"u try wif all your might right...."
she said yes.
i lifted it up...kinda easily.
dad too.
and my uncle too...on second try.
i don't know if its true.
i wished taht illness will stay away from my parents and that i can continue and finish my study in singapore.
lets hope it come true.
amithaba buddha.

there's this wax statue of this guy that really looks super real.

my uncle thought he's a real person.
" can't you see his eye never blinks ?"
" how can you tell..."
" i stared at him for a long time"
" i kept taking pics of him wad"
" he can tahan one lah.."
" how can you know wad he do after you look away"
i was speechless.
old people are like that i guess.

glorious :)
i love this buddha thing.
simply amazing.
like how i'm listening to buddhist songs right now.
how peaceful.
i feel like i'm in a temple.

SUP DRAGON !

from that temple we headed to loh guan lye hospital.
which sounds like.
luan luan lai hospital to me.
that's where i got a micro shot of a mosquito !

i still can't believe there's a mosquito within the hospital.
ain't hospitals supposed to be clean and clear of all these pests ?

sun rise view from my hotel room over komtar.

yesterday was the day we really went out.
the few days before were just hospital hospital hospital and hospital visits.
waiting and more waiting...
and even more waiting !

we went to this 100 over years old guan im temple yest.
also the day of her birthday.

it was filled wif people !
i swear i saw an indian inside too !
praying !
some ang moh tourists that seems to be walking around touching everything.

there's that fellow meditating / chanting in the middle of that temple.
nothing seems to be bothering him.

from there we headed to the sleeping buddha temple.
but we walked over to the standing buddha temple first.

i think that's his body guard

standing at dunno how high feet tall.
it's quite huge !
oh...it's not that shimmering gold there.
it's photoshoped =P

that row of buddhas show the different budhhas at different countries.
the first one i think is japan then china and so on.
there's no malaysia and singapore thou.
but there's an indonesian buddha there.
lol

i had the same shot many years ago right there when i was younger.
wif different pose of coz.

i forgot wad this buddha is suppose to bring.
but he was damn powderful i know.

namo amithaba buddha.
namo amithaba buddha.
namo amithaba buddha.

they say if you chant that 3x 7x 36x........
you're chanting for....
i forgot also.
but that's wad i say when i pray and nothing else.
just that.
i'm not someone who stood there and ask for all my wishes.
i don't even know wad to say.
so i decided to just say those.
since bout 2 years ago....


i'm gonna go buy frens season 7 8 9...
blog back tomolo !